Mr. President, this is my application to be your third assistant press secretary. If you are seeing this, it means I finally raised enough money to put this ad on Fox and Friends.
I meet or exceed all of your qualifications for the job:
1. I have never done the job so I am not burdened with the concerns of more experienced people such as truth-telling.
2. I want this job for completely selfish reasons. When I retired, I didn’t realize I would have less money than when I was working. I want to make a ton of money, which will not cost you one penny! Not one. In fact, I will be paying part of my own salary, because I pay federal income tax, but you don’t. I am a bargain at twice the normal pay.
3. As an English major, I have always maintained that great fiction contains deep truths that go beyond mere facts. This job is in my wheelhouse.
4. You do not need to fire anyone to give me the job, however much fun that would be. I do not want to be your primary press secretary and therefore available to be skewered by some woman on Saturday Night Live. However, if it did come to that, may I request that Sigourney Weaver play me? I would be honored to have her hold me up to public ridicule.
5. I can assure you that I will be the second greatest press secretary of all time, second only to yourself, sir, if you consider that you have been your own press secretary.
6. I will give you one example of how brilliant I would have been in a press briefing this week, for free, but after this I must be paid big bucks:
Liberal elite press lackey: When your boss, President Trump, arrived in Israel, he told a roomful of Israelis, “We just got back from the Middle East. We were in Saudi Arabia.” Does your boss not know that Israel is in the Middle East, or did he not know he was in Israel?
Me: Of course he knew he was in Israel. You are implying he is stupid, but he is so very smart that he officially withdrew Israel from the Middle East for their protection. He made Israel great again. Take that fake news purveyor. (me to the security guard) Never allow that guy in here again.
Another liberal press rabble-rouser: Your boss said he would replace Obamacare with insurance that would cost less and that would still protect people with pre-existing conditions, but he held a victory party for a bill that will take away the insurance from 23 million people and will remove the cost protections for people with pre-existing conditions. Why did he lie?
Me: (pointing to the woman who asked the question) She is a terrorist! Arrest her! (After she is dragged from the room). President Trump never lies. The people who don’t have insurance will be paying nothing at all in premiums. You can’t get less than that. As for people with pre-existing conditions, they can always make their own decisions about what to do when their insurance costs rise astronomically. They still have all their second amendment rights.
That concludes my application, Mr. President, on Fox as you require. I have only one condition, other than a YUGE salary: My wife will kill me if she finds out I am working for you. I will only take the job if you allow me to use a stage name. I will call myself Greg Gianforte. Reporters will ask questions of me at their own peril.