I dreamed that I heard Donald Trump giving his Inauguration Address, which I woke up and wrote down.
I dreamed he said,
“Look at this crowd, not only the biggest inauguration crowd, but the biggest crowd in history. I’ll close down any liberal media outlet that says otherwise.
“Already I have accomplished more than any sitting American president, before I even officially got the job. I have stopped all American jobs from going out-of-country, caused the stock market to rise substantially, gotten Congress to agree to pass everything I allow them to vote on (which won’t be much), and turned Russia from an enemy into a friend. I have stopped global warming, which I decided was happening, and stopped all terrorist attacks. Now I’m actually President, so watch me shine.
“Here is the best inauguration speech ever, because everybody in America, make that the world, will find something they love in it. I am the only one who can do that.
“First, I will abolish racism. Some people thought I was playing up to the racists with my remarks, but I was just kidding. Just kidding! That’s what great entertainers do. There will be no more racism, and anyone who uses the word will be sent back to Africa.
“As for illegal immigration, some thought I said I would deport all Mexicans immediately, but I was just kidding. It won’t be immediately, because there are some jobs beneath the dignity of real Americans, like building a giant fence on our southern border. Even after they are done with that, not all Mexicans will be kicked out. Every Mexican woman under 35 who is a 9 or 10 will get to spend time in the White House North in New York. All the rest will be taken to the southern border and catapulted over the big fence. Just kidding! See — something here for everyone.
“Some people thought I was being demeaning to women, but I love and respect women, especially 9s and 10s. I just don’t think they should be in charge of anything and should not be allowed to speak in public. Not just kidding. Women should be obscene but not heard.
“Some have called for me to put my assets in a blind trust. Fools! You don’t become richer by missing out on insider trading possibilities. What is good for Trump industries is good for America. Eventually my cabinet will consist only of the titular heads of my various enterprises. By eventually, I mean February 15. Just kidding. I always avoid the Ides of February.
“As for the Russian threat, that is already solved by making them our friends, because President Putin respects me so much and I admire his taste. After I promised to open a Trump Towers in Moscow, he gratefully sent me a gift of some Russian maids for the White House, all 10s may I say, and he gave everyone in my family and the Secret Service brand new cell phones and computers. What a guy.
“Crime? Consider it gone. Congress? Don’t make me laugh. Actually, they do make me laugh. Drain the swamp in DC? Already underway, to make room for Trump Condos. ISIS? Already got them to lay down their arms for the promise of a spot for their leaders on The Apprentice. College tuition too high for most families? Trump Universities will spring up all over, using government grants. Big budget deficit? I will package and sell the debt like the big banks did with the mortgage stuff. Let the Chinese worry about it.
“There, I told you what I will do in broad outlines, but you can watch every morning at 3 am Trump (formerly Eastern) Time for the details. Everything will be done in my first 100 days, after which I will turn everything over to my VP, what’s-his-name, because I will have done everything that needs to be done and I’ve got another fortune to make. Now let’s get this party going. Where are those Russian maids?”
That was my dream. If this turns out to be the real thing, you’ll have to admit I know more than all the generals and federal bureaucrats about the new president.