I am a man who can admit my many biases. I freely confess they have caused me to criticize our President frequently, especially my bias against policies that are immoral. (What? His policy is to take children away from their parents? And his Attorney General quoted the Bible to show God approves of it? And then the President claimed the Democrats passed a law that made him do it? Then he showed that was false by signing an order to stop the separations, but refused to do anything about the 2300 children already separated? But his majority party in the House and Senate still won’t take action?)
Still, nobody likes a whiner, and so, you may ask, when am I going to do something positive in relation to our President? Soon, I answer. I will offer to be supportive of him for one week. I’ll buy an ad on Fox and Friends and say this:
“Mr. President, hire me as your foreign policy advisor for a week! That’s just a little shorter than the average staff time in the White House. For a week I will ignore my conscience (it won’t mind — it’s used to being ignored) and propose a bold project you will love bigly.
“If humiliating Canada is the goal because they are our closest ally, then I say build a gigantic wall along our entire northern border. Make it 100 feet high, since they’ve got long ladders. No, make it 30,000 feet high, since they have small planes.
“Allow US vigilante committees to patrol the wall, asking everyone who fits the Canadian racial stereotype (white, wearing a parka) to say, ‘The mouse ran out of the house,’ and arresting anyone who says ‘moose,’ ‘oot,’ and/or ‘hoose,’ or ends a sentence with ‘eh?’ The vigilante groups will be allowed to use abusive invective (that’s calling them bad names, sir), because the Canucks will try to disarm them with politeness.
“Every morning, sir, you can tweet some new insult about Trudeau, with me feeding you imaginative ones like ‘Your mother wears combat boots,’ or ‘You’re so dumb you think Manual Labor is a Mexican immigrant. He’s the president of Mexico and he hates you too.’
“You can order the arrest of any Canadian hockey, basketball, soccer, or baseball teams if they try to cross the border. Then you allow your favorite American teams (the ones with the fewest black players) to draft the best Canadians and pay them minimum wage. Lower actually, because they are immigrants.
“You can find everyone named Trudeau living in the US and humiliate them by forcing them to wear a big ‘T’ around their neck — wait, that could stand for Trump. Scratch that one.
“You can announce that you have patented the song ‘O Canada’ and will charge them an exorbitant remuneration to sing it. (That’s very big fees, sir.)
“You can announce an automatic pardon for anyone who tries to catapult garbage over the huuuge wall.
“You can decree that any American can be arrested for being polite, because it shows they are probably Canadian spies trying to steal our recipe for Canadian bacon.
“It would NOT work to announce that Canadian children will be taken from their parents, because they are mostly white.
“This wall will also prevent any Americans from leaving who are trying to flee to Canada because of the situation in our nation. Let them suffer like the rest of us.
“Then that sad, sad little man, what’s-his-name Trudeau, will come crawling to beg you to reinstate the trade agreement on whatever terms you allow. You will say, ‘Too late, sucker! Unlike my pal, Kim Jong Young, you have no beaches we want.’
“What do you think? Wouldn’t one week’s employment be worth it to have a Make America Grate on Canada policy for a week? Everybody I know would call you a stable genius for it.
“Call me so we can negotiate a suitable salary. I’ve heard about your negotiating skills and I and my investment advisor look forward to it.”
